Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Oh Grow Up

I'm all for a person being in touch with his/her "inner child"... whatever... but there are just a few things I think we should have conquered as adults by this point. This point being... let's say... over 15.

Throwing up: Aside from food poisoning and freak-isolated incidences (and pregnancy), I think vomiting is strictly a child's ailment. Probably from playing with too many diseased bird feathers.

Still believing that bird feathers are disease-ridden.

Stepping in dog poo:
There is absolutely no excuse for this. We are adults. Use a sidewalk.*

Scabbed-over mosquito bites: Come on. Practice some self-control.

Using more pleasant euphemisms for the word 'fart.'
It is what it is and your mom was lying when she said it was a swear word.

Enjoying the taste of Capri Sun: Also goes for Sunny Delight (SunnyD!)... they both make me feel like I just snacked on Chapstick.

Sprinting: Unless you are at a gym or in some kind of sophisticated race... sprinting anywhere is just a bit shameful... unless of course someone is "timing" you. *That was a test*

I like things like chicken strips just as much as the next self-respecting adult, but there comes a time and place when we just need to buckle down and order the lobster.

*Credit to Kristine for bringing this to my attention

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Truth Hurts

No one is fooling anyone with these top eight most common lies told in everyday life:  

1.  No, sorry, that was my last piece of gum.
2.  No, I did call you back.  It went straight to voicemail though.
3.  Anything followed by the comment... well that's weird! (Stuck in a tricky spot where the truth will make you callous, rude, unlikable or just plain in trouble?  Give a really crappy explanation and make up for the unbelievability by deeming it 'weird') 
4.  I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.
5.  Sorry, I'm just really bad with names (I use this one ALL the time... I have an excellent memory... for memorable people... that's just me being honest.  Is that rude?  Sorry, I'm just like, really tired.)
7.  Anyone who coughs before they leave a room.  Particularly a classroom.  (An active, walking lie.)
8.  I don't mean to be rude (this is always preceded by something rude... usually intentional... double lie.)

So you keep lying, I'll keep nodding (or vice versa), and we'll both live in a consensual world of blissful deceit.